


FAKER | phan

by luckylester



Category: Amazing Phil, Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phandom, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Angst, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Fluff, Depressed Dan Howell, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Gay Dan Howell, Gay Phil Lester, Heavy Angst, LGBT, LGBTQ, M/M, No Smut, Phan - Freeform, Sad Dan Howell, read the trigger warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 15,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27771424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckylester/pseuds/luckylester
Summary: FAKER!❛ you're just one big faker,phil lester. you act so happyand nice but really you're justbig nobody. ❜✧ dan and phil are faking it. all of it. 2009 is a subject that is never talked about among them, especially since their romance fell apart in 2012. now dan is stuck in a flat with someone he hates and phil is trapped.faker | © abby 2020
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	1. prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLAYLIST.
> 
> the things we used to share; thomas sanders  
> snap out of it; arctic monkeys   
> youth; troye sivan   
> the good side; troye sivan   
> hostage; billie eilish   
> the irony of choking on a lifesaver; all time low   
> a love like war; all time low feat. vic fuentes   
> floral & fading; pierce the veil   
> that's what you get; paramore   
> me without you (all i ever wanted); all time low
> 
> ( link to spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/10FKq21Z3UwHaHZ97byids?si=LbbioxwYSDq3KyRN9lG_Fg )

phil had kissed dan three times.

once when they first met at the train station. dan smelled like spearmint gum and his lips tasted like cinnamon. his hair was damp from the rain pouring outside and his hair was slowly turning from straight to curly. dan's strong hands pressed against phil's back as they kissed; a kiss that was too short and left phil hungry for more.

the second was on valentine's day. they never mentioned the kiss they had shared at the train station and phil assumed it was just a heat of the moment kind of thing. dan surprised phil with one white and one black rose-"they represent me and you, you're the light in my life and i'm...well...dan"

"how romantic." phil chuckled lightly, brushing a piece of his long black hair out of his eyes. dan was still shorter than phil and had to stand on his tiptoes to reach him. he laced his hands around phil's neck and kissed him passionately. dan's lips tasted closer to smoke than cinnamon, but phil ignored it. he was just happy that dan was kissing him again.

the third time was two years ago, after dan admitted that he still cared for phil. "if i could just take back 2012." he murmured, his forehead pressed against phil's, his body heat causing dan to shiver. "i wish i could take back 2012."

"me too." phil whispered, connecting their lips together one last kiss. dan no longer tasted like cinnamon, all his lips tasted like was smoke. dan pulled away quickly and wiped his lips with the back of his hand.

"don't ever do that again!" he screeched, his eyes darting from phil to the ground. "that was four years ago, phil. 2012 was four years ago. it's different now. i don't love you anymore."

"but you just said..." phil trailed off, his lips still tingling from the excitement of kissing dan again.

dan shook his head and bit his bottom lip, which still tasted like vanilla, like phil. "forget what i just said. forget all of it. we have a whole phanbase now. they can never know." he growled.

phil swallowed hard, his heart breaking in his chest. "alright." he murmured in response, his voice breaking and a tear spilling from his once bright blue eyes.

dan didn't talk to phil for a whole week after that. he locked himself in his room and slept while phil was awake. he only went downstairs twice, once to grab a box of cereal and the other for him to throw a load of clothes in the laundry.

phil missed kissing dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this book contains heavy themes that may intensify suicidal thoughts or mental illnesses. please skip any chapters labeled with a trigger warning if needed. the suicide prevention lifeline is 1-800-273-8225. please use self-care methods and take care of yourself while reading.


	2. o1.

"you're utter shįt, phil." dan shouted, smiling widely and shoving phil playfully.

phil laughed childishly in response and watched the tv screen as his car sped past dan's. "eat that, howell."

dan huffed in annoyance and pushed phil again. "make me, lester." he ordered, then smiled triumphantly when a red shell hit phil's car.

"remind me to never play mario kart with you again." phil groaned playfully once the round ended. he got third, while dan, of course, got first.

dan made a few comments before ending the livestream and phil sat mostly in silence, happy that him and dan were filming a video together.

as soon as the camera was off, dan's wide grin fell into a scowl. "why the fūck do you say things like that?" dan snapped, his eyes narrowing and eyebrows furrowing in anger.

"like what?" phil asked innocently. he ducked his head in shame and chewed on his bottom lip anxiously.

dan let out an annoyed sigh and threw his controller against the room in anger. "you know what! things that make it seem like we're a couple or some disgusting shįt like that!" dan barked.

phil's face turned red as tears gathered in his eyes. "like i want to be more associated to you than i already am!" dan screamed, standing up out of his chair and raising his hand in the air as if he was going to strike phil's face.

phil cowered and raised his arms to cover his face. dan lowered his hand and shook his head. "i'm sorry." phil croaked as a tear fell from his dimmed blue eyes.

"oh my god." dan muttered and placed two fingers on his temple. "do you have to break into tears at every fūcking thing i say?"

phil choked back a sob and quickly wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands. "s-sorry." he stuttered.

dan stormed towards the door of the gaming room and threw it open. "i hate that i have to live with a fàggot like you." he growled and slammed the door when he left.

phil bit his tongue and swallowed back the lump in his throat. "i hate that i have to live with myself too."

dan was horrible to live with. he was pissed and depressed, never spoke to phil unless he was yelling at him, spent every single day behind his locked door, and severely lacked politeness and manners.

he only left his room to buy alcohol and packs of cigarettes from the smoke and liquor shop a few blocks down.

his wardrobe was absent of colour and he wore shirts that were years old. shirts that were once phil's. shirts that used to smell like cinnamon with a hint of vanilla but now smelt like burnt toast and fireball.

phil wanted his best friend back. he wanted dan howell back. not this person who brought random girls home every other night. not this person who hid his sexuality and treated phil like he was gum at the bottom of someone's shoe. not this person who cursed phil out and was constantly angry and would rather live with his horrible self than his best friend.

tears pinpricked at the corners of his eyes. he wanted his dan back.

"we're re-filming." dan told phil, snapping him out of his thoughts.

"oh." phil mumbled, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. he glanced up at dan and asked the very question he hated most. "why?"

"because you're annoying as hell and keep touching me. the video isn't 2009 or the not-my-arms challenge, phil." dan explained in an annoyed tone.

phil breathed in heavily. "i wish it was." he whispered and closed his eyes. dan went quiet for a moment, sighed and let out an annoyed huff, and then went quiet again.

"go put on a different shirt." he ordered, motioning to the shirt phil was just wearing on the livestream. "and never say that again."

phil bit his lip and slowly nodded. "why?" he asked again, an innocent tone in his voice.

"because i fūcking hate you! i hate you more than anything else. go jump off a fūcking bridge. get your head out of your ass, phil. we are not best friends. we are not star-crossed lovers. we are not in 2009. we are just strangers who live together. in fact, i wish that 2009 never happened!"

phil choked back tears. his dan was completely gone.


	3. o2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: F-SLUR

_one week later, the first show of interactive introverts_

phil walked a good distance behind dan, a forced smile painted onto his cracked lips, his dry hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans.

the stage show was utter hell.

he was trapped in a small tour bus with dan and a few other people who did lighting and sound. phil hated those people, they were obnoxious and pretended like everything was okay _all the time_. they acted like they didn't hear dan's yelling and phil's sobbing.

it took dan less than twenty-four hours to get into one of the lighting girl's pants, which was a "new record" as dan told phil. sex was like a game to him. the more girls he could get into his bed, the better.

it was torture to phil, who had to hear the moaning of girls through the thin walls of their flat, or, in this case, the entire bus.

"phil." dan whispered forcefully and shook his arm violently. "we go on in a minute, you look like äss, and you haven't done any vocal warmups."

phil inhaled a shaky breath and nodded quickly. he ran a hand through his hair, muttered a few lines of one of their warmups, and swallowed down the bile rising in his throat. he pushed down the feeling of nervousness and placed his shaking hands against his thighs.

dan smiled widely as the curtains began to open. he grabbed phil's wrist and dug his fingernails into his pale skin. "we're best friends, remember? fūck this show up and you know what will happen." dan warned quietly.

phil shuddered and mocked dan's smile. he ignored the tears that were pinpricking at the corners of his eyes and shook dan's hand off his wrist. he waved to the crowd as the curtains parted.

"hello, brighton!" dan yelled into the hidden mic on his shirt. cheers erupted from the crowd.

dan easily fell into the role of the relatable, sarcastic, supposed "best friend" of phil.

phil, however, was struggling. he winced every time dan said his name, the stage lights were too bright, and he was extremely nervous. he kept stuttering and skipping over lines, muttering certain phrases, or being far too loud, earning a glare from dan every time he messed up.

he just had to make it to intermission.

∘₊✧──────✧₊

dan grabbed phil's arm and dragged him out the back door. sunlight flooded phil's vision and he blinked furiously to rid the black spots that clouded his vision.

dan sighed heavily and drummed his fingers on his thighs, his face beginning to turn red from anger. "what the fūck was that!" dan shouted, causing phil to wince and let out a small whimper. "oh my god, don't start." dan groaned and rolled his eyes.

"i'm sorry." phil squeaked out. he wrapped his arms tightly around his stomach and tried to level-out his quick breathing. "it's our f-first show."

dan clenched and unclenched his fists that hung limply at his sides. "we've practiced this for weeks and you've been on tour before! that is _no_ excuse." dan growled and raised one of his closed fists.

phil swallowed hard and closed his eyes, bracing himself for impact. "please, kitten." phil whispered, daring to open his right eye slightly.

dan's angry features soften, making him look younger, like the dan phil _used_ to know. the cruel look soon returned and dan slapped phil. hard.

phil raised a hand and lightly touched the place that dan had just slapped. "call me that again and i'll do much more than slap you, _fäggot._ " dan roared.

a few tears escaped from phil's half-open eyes. he stared blankly ahead, in a surprised daze. dan would never intentionally hurt him, he never had, no matter how bad the argument was. so what was different this time.

"intermission is almost over. go get an ice pack for your face." dan ordered phil, a harsh tone in his voice.

phil bit his lip and gulped back the words that were rising in his throat. it took all of him not to scream at dan or to simply say "no." phil ran a few fingers across the throbbing spot on his cheek where dan had hit him.

he wiped the tears off of his face and followed dan back inside the building. his heart sank to the bottom of his stomach when dan offered him an ice pack, that innocent, almost childlike look back on his face.

acting.

that's what it always was.

dan didn't really care about phil, not in the way he used to. any kind word or sweet offer was just for the media and phans to obsess over. none of it was real.

couldn't anyone see that?


	4. o3.

phil bit the skin off of his bottom lip and tapped his fingers against his thigh. he watched the smoke leave from dan's slightly-parted lips in a distant awe.

dan's eyebrows furrowed. he shoved an earbud in his left ear and turned up the volume on his phone. phil sighed and leaned his arms on the railing of the balcony dan and him were standing on.

"phil" dan mumbled, nudging phil's arm with his elbow. he stuck his cigarette between his teeth and showed phil the screen of his phone.

phil shut his eyes and breathed out slowly. "oh my god." he whispered, panic beginning to settle in his stomach. "oh my god." he repeated, louder this time, and ran a hand down his face.

he blinked multiple times then stared blankly ahead. "someone filmed and posted our argument." dan muttered in disbelief.

phil cracked his knuckles with his shaking hands then pressed them tightly against his thighs.

dan massaged his temple then shoved the tips of his fingers in the back pocket of his black ripped jeans. he inhaled sharply. "this is _your_ fault." dan growled.

"dan," phil said calmly, holding his palms out to dan and backing away. "how is this my fault?" he dared to ask.

dan spat his cigarette out of and crushed it with the heel of the shoe. "how?" dan repeated, laughing coldly. "if you weren't such a fūck up, i wouldn't be yelling at you all the time."

"bullshīt!" phil shouted, his face beginning to redden with anger. "you used to be nice to me and then one day, out of the blue, you start treating me like bullshīt and blaming me for everything and completely disregarding the fact that i'm human. that _we're_ human."

dan went quiet. the only sounds that could be heard were phil's hollow breathing and dan tapping his nails on the balcony's railing.

"why are you so mean to me?" phil asked. dan's deep brown irises met his undeniably blue ones, sending chills up and down phil's spine.

dan narrowed his eyes and exhaled slowly. "that's like asking why i have more subscribers than you. it's because i'm _better_ than you."

∘₊✧──────✧₊ 

phil chewed on the inside of his cheek and bounced his right leg up and down. his shaking hands were wrapped so tightly around a teacup that his knuckles were turning white. tears pinpricked at the corners of his faded blue eyes. he was still upset because of his argument with dan yesterday.

his thoughts bounced from his first kiss with dan to his last, from their first argument to their most recent one. he tried to pinpoint the moment where everything turned to hell, the moment when dan became an alcoholic, the moment when their two hearts stopped beating as one.

phil's heart, while broken beyond repair, still longed for the tenderness of dan's kiss or the feeling of his soft skin or the smell of cinnamon that used to cling to him before he started smoking.

dan's heart, however, stopped beating years ago. he locked it tightly in a box and guarded it from everyone. he had sex with girls to feel _something_ other than his orgasm. he hated phil and everything about him because phil was the only person dan had felt something _real_ with.

"get off your äss, we're leaving." dan ordered forcefully, snapping phil out of his thoughts. phil wiped the few tears that escaped his eyes off of his pink-tinted cheeks and stood up, standing a mere inch shorter than dan.

"oh my god." dan groaned, shoving in phil's chair after him and over-exaggerated his eye roll. "what on earth were you crying about this time?"

phil ducked his head in shame. "n-nothing. it's not important." he stuttered, taking a final sip of his tea before setting it down on the table he was sitting at. dan raised an eyebrow at phil but didn't pry him for answers.

dan sighed heavily and followed phil out the door. "i don't want what happened in brighton to happen at london. it's another sold-out show, you know." dan reminded him with poison etched into his voice.

phil nodded. "i know, i know." he choked out, rubbing his eyes that had clouded over again. he shoved an earbud in one ear and shuffled a playlist that calmed his anxiety, a playlist that mostly contained hits from 2009.

phil chewed on his bottom lip nervously. "dan?" he asked quietly, causing the brown-haired male to stop walking.

"hm?" dan hummed, looking down at phil expectingly.

phil breathed in slowly and tapped his fingers against the opposite wrist. "so...what are we then? because we're obviously not friends." phil mumbled, unable to meet dan's glare.

"nothing."


	5. o4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: F-SLUR

_interactive introverts. new york, new york._

it was freezing outside. the air blew through the skyscrapers, feeling like needles against phil's bright face. he walked next to dan, attempting to get slightly closer to him. body heat radiated from the younger boy as the snow crunched beneath his boots. snowflakes trickled lightly from the almost black sky and landed among his curls.

the streets were alive with activity despite the cold. people brushed past the tall males, everyone having a destination. the musical tone of car horns and breaks squeaking echoed across the roads.

"it's fucking cold," phil said hoarsely, his sinuses clogging up due to the chill. he took a few steps closer to dan, glancing over at him with a distant longing.

dan scoffed. "stop complaining," he growled, the very words causing phil to shut up.

the raven-haired male went back to studying the ground, noticing each footprint embedded in the snow. he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"let's go back to the room," dan said softly, a bit of ice still laced in his tone. he had a box of cigarettes held tightly between his fingers, phil could see the red of the cardboard through the gaps in dan's fingers.

dan smoked on the balcony of their fourteenth-floor hotel room, hiding his face underneath a black baseball cap. phil watched him from his bed, clutching the white sheets between his fingers as he resists the urge to speak.

he looked over at the clock, his eyes widening as he did so. "shit dan, we're going to be late. we have to leave right now," phil cried, throwing open the glass door to the balcony.

dan stared up at him, furrowing his eyebrows. he took a drag from his cigarette, breathing the smokey air directly into phil's face. "i still need to shower," he grumbled, throwing the corners of his lips upwards.

"you're disgusting," phil spat, the words escaping his lips before he could stop them. dan's eyes met phil's, a deep, honey brown colliding with a verdant blue.

the younger male chuckled, standing up quickly. the cigarette butt fell to the ground. he tugged roughly on phil's shirt, their faces quickly becoming close. phil couldn't help but stare down at dan's lips. "you don't know what i could do to you," he threatened, a subtle smirk appearing.

phil's breathing intensified. dan pulled him closer, before shoving him away. alcohol lingered on his breath.

"try me, lester," dan called, making his way towards the bathroom, "i dare you." he pulled his shirt over his head, his fingers lingering on the door handle. freckles dotted his collar bone and chest, and phil tried desperately not to stare.

he was frozen in his spot, his vision darting from dan's face to his exposed torso, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "what's going on?" his voice shook violently. he pressed his balled fists to his side.

dan walked over to him, his thumb playing with the zipper on his jeans. "what do you think?" the brunette hinted. he laid down next to phil on his bed.

there was a lump in phil's throat that he couldn't swallow. he folded his hands on his lap, staring at the grout in the hotel walls.

dan's lips brushed against phil's ear. "come on, lion," dan whispered, his words sending tingles down phil's neck.

he was hesitant at first, studying dan's facial features, making constellations out of his freckles. he leaned in slowly, caressing dan's cheek with his hand. their lips collided, the smoke on the younger male's lips making phil choke. yet he continued breathing in dan's scent, feeling his skin underneath his other hand, and his eyelids fluttered shut.

dan pulled away quickly, a smile on his lips, laughing wildly. "you are a faggot!" he shouted. his giggling echoed in phil's mind, causing a warm feeling to dance across his cheeks. "you actually fell for it!"

phil stood up quickly, his eyes beginning to water. "why would you do that?" he asked desperately, hiding his face in his hands.

"because phil," he began to explain in a gentle voice, making his way back towards the bathroom, "i just wanted to prove that you're still in love with me."


	6. o5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: MENTION OF SUICIDE, ABUSE

"i don't want to hear another one of your sob stories." dan growled, rolling his eyes rather exaggeratedly. he tossed a cube of sugar into his tea, doing all that was possible to not meet phil's multicolored eyes. he stirred the brown liquid slowly and played with the string on the teabag.

phil took a sip of his scorching hot liquid, burning his upper lip. he licked the burnt part and realized that now both of his lips were utterly destroyed: the top one was burnt and the bottom was bitten raw and scabs dotted the surface.

phil shook his head and set his teacup on the counter. "i don't have a sob story. you haven't yelled at me yet today." phil pointed out, daring to be slightly sarcastic.

dan huffed loudly. a smug look overcame phil's soft features. it was almost satisfactory to make the curly-haired boy annoyed, considering the fact that it was super easy.

"that can end right now if you don't shut your mouth." dan dared, talking a bit louder than he usually did. phil chewed a piece of skin off of his bottom lip and remained quiet.

the train roared to life underneath them and an uneasy feeling filled phil to the brim, starting in his stomach and sending shivers across his entire body. he hated traveling, whether it be on a train, in their tour bus, in a car, or on a plane.

phil sighed heavily and looked out the window. grey clouds filled the usually blue sky and a sea of green flew past the window. he had hardly been on the train for three minutes and his breathing had turned from steady to hyperventilating.

dan looked up from his tea at phil, his eyebrows furrowing in concern, and boyish features taking over his usual resting bįtch face. "what?" he asked softly.

phil's cheeks suddenly became very hot. "i uh...don't like t-traveling." he stuttered, feeling very uncomfortable under dan's soft gaze.

dan's kind smile fell immediately. it was gone so quickly that phil wondered if it was even there to begin with. "you're thirty-one years old, suck it up lameäss." dan ordered.

phil nodded solemnly. he was a full-grown adult, he shouldn't be experiencing this anxiety and making a big deal out of it. his mental health was not important, to him or anyone else it seemed.

dan took a cigarette out of the back pocket of his jeans and lit it swiftly. he inhaled sharply, his thoughts suddenly becoming hazy and clouded. with nicotine running through his veins, his mind, he turned from aggressive to calm.

"dan, stop that. smoking is not allowed on this train. are you trying to get us kicked out?" phil whispered hastily, reaching across the table and plucking the cigarette from dan's chapped lips.

dan crossed his arms over his chest and pouted as a toddler would. "i'm practically a celebrity, do you think anyone on this train cares?"

phil extinguished the cigarette on the counter. now he was pissed. "oh my god, dan. get your head out of your äss. you are not kanye west, i doubt anyone on this train will even _recognize_ you." phil said, his glare pointed at the brown-eyed boy growing more intense with each word he said.

dan huffed and rolled his chocolate irises. "puh-lease. you're just jealous that you have, what, two million fewer subscribers than i do? there's a reason that everyone starts out as a dan girl, phil."

phil opened his mouth like he was going to say something but closed it quickly. dan was right, people _did_ tend to like him more, he had even received death threats from people who wanted dan all to themselves. well, they could have him. phil was tired of dan. he didn't want the angry, aggressive, depressed man anyway. they could take him. killing phil along the way would just be a bonus.

"you're so annoying, you know." dan continued before taking a sip of his tea sophisticatedly. "you're jealous yet you won't admit it. you're nothing like the man that people come to your channel for. you fake every single smile that crosses your face yet you won't admit it. you're desperately in love with me, yet you won't admit it."

phil's breath hitched in his throat. a blush covered his pale cheeks. he cleared his throat. "are you actually that full of yourself to just assume that i'm in love with you?" phil yelled, not caring about the number of people that were now staring at him. "i haven't been in love with you for _years_ , not since you've started being a self-centered ässhole that is both verbally and mentally abusive!"

dan went quiet for a second. he traced the rim of hi teacup with his finger and exhaled slowly. "how _dare_ you." he growled, flashing his bloodshot eyes up at phil.

"oh, how dare _i?_ how dare _you_! what the hell is wrong with you? not everything is my fault, daniel. i'm sorry that i'm not the only thing fūcking up your life." phil stood up abruptly, almost falling over in the process due to the moving train, and slammed his hands on the counter. the undrunken tea in phil's cup spilled over the rim and onto the table. dan winced slightly.

"i hate you," phil whispered and sat back down. he breathed out and ran a hand through his raven hair.

dan snorted loudly and chuckled to himself. he raised his teacup to his lips and took a dainty sip. "do you think that _i_ care what you think about me?" dan asked, setting the delicate china down quickly. he clicked his tongue loudly.

phil shook his head. of course, dan didn't care, his supposed-to-be best friend hated him more than anything. "no, you really don't." phil muttered and squeezed his eyes shut.

dan bobbed his head up and down. "you could jump off of a fūcking bridge for all i care." dan paused for a moment before continuing, "you could kill yourself without me or anyone else noticing. you know what, actually kill yourself."

phil swallowed hard and quickly wiped away the tears that had fallen onto his colorless cheeks.

dan leaned across the counter, his face so close to phil's their noses were almost touching. "go fūcking kill yourself, fäggot." he dared with narrowed eyes and a smirk playing upon his lips.

dan's breath smelt like smoke with a hint of fireball. phil recoiled and wrinkled his nose. a jagged breath escaped his mouth and he swallowed hard in an attempt to rid the lump that was growing in his throat.

"maybe i will." phil muttered under his breath. the smirk on dan's face fell but his rock-hard glare remained.

"good." dan spat.

and maybe he really would.


	7. 06.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: SUICIDE IN GREAT DETAIL

_tw: suicide in great detail. please do not read if you have had suicidal thoughts in the past or have suicidal thoughts now._

phil clenched a bottle of dan's antidepressants tightly in his shaking hands. the bottle, filled almost to the brim with pills, made a little shaking noise with every vibration his hands made. he glanced up into the mirror from his place on the ground, where he was sitting with his legs crossed.

a man, with ghostly skin and faded blue eyes, stared back. the man ran his fingers across his bright pink, tear-stained cheeks. his other hand held an orange bottle with a child-proof cap so tightly that his knuckles turned whiter than his skin.

the man's hair was a mess, presumably because he had just spent the last five minutes almost pulling it out of his scalp. his multicoloured eyes, bloodshot and seeming almost grey due to his lack of energy and an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and depression, had large, purplish-green bags underneath them.

the dirty, clouded, train-bathroom mirror gave phil's appearance no remorse. he could finally see what dan saw-- a fäggot, hideous and unworthy of life, a man whose worst enemy was his own emotions that were slowly destroying him inside.

phil considered what dan had said. _you could kill yourself without me or anyone else noticing_. and that was probably true. dan had more fans, more views, more likes, more subscribers. phil hardly had any growth in his fanbase, not since 2016 anyway. dan was completely and utterly _right._ he wouldn't notice or care, their phans wouldn't notice or care, phil's supposed friends wouldn't even notice or care.

he turned off the light in the small bathroom and blinked furiously to rid the white spots that had clouded his vision. his breathing was quick and he was on the verge of a panic attack.

it should be easy to kill yourself, just swallow some pills, close your eyes, and die slowly and without much pain. no one would care anyway, phil simply didn't matter. he attempted to change the world with a few of his youtube videos and, in reality, he had hardly made a dent.

he easily lost friendships and made dan utterly _hate_ him. phil tapped his fingers, with nails chewed down to the bone, on the childproof cap, making a little clicking noise and steadying his uneasy breathing.

he hated himself. because dan hated him.

dan. dan, who had eyes that held galaxies and beauty marks that could form constellations. dan, who had hair so curly it could be waves crashing upon a beach. dan, who had lips created from forest fires and fragments of diamonds. dan, whose pale skin looked so nice with pink and purple hickeys dotting the back of his neck. dan, who used to cry and give every part of himself to phil. dan, who slapped phil and verbally and mentally abused him.

phil struggled for a few seconds to unscrew the top, his fingers were shaking violently and he had a hard time gripping onto the white cap. he poured a handful of pills, then counted them, whispering the numbers.

_one, two, three, four, five, six, seven..._

he lost count, and with his blurred vision, he could hardly see the pills within his hand.

outside the door, phil could hear the muffled sound of glasses clinking together, people laughing and talking. he could feel the train moving underneath him. he ran the sink water, not caring if he wasted all of the water that was onboard the train. he just needed to create some other noise besides those coming from humans.

he buried his head in his legs, his right hand still cupping the pills, his left holding the prescription bottle. he ignored the thoughts about how dan would need these pills, how sick he would get if he was off them for even a few days.

now was the time for him to be selfish. for phil to think of himself instead of dan for once. for him to ignore the thoughts bubbling up in his head.

_stop stoP stOP sTOP STOP._

he took a pill from the handful and raised it to his lips. he stuck it in his mouth, chewed it slowly, and ignored the foul taste that was filling his mouth.

_stop._

he couldn't stop, he was already chewing on a second one. and then a third. and then shoving half of the handful in his mouth and swallowing all of them in one gulp using water from the sink. he poured more pills into his hand, then tossed them into his mouth.

he began to violently shake and his vision clouded over. his thoughts became unclear and they overlapped.

 _go fūcking kill yourself, fäggot._ the last clear thought that passed through his drug-filled head. he was doing what dan wanted. dan _wanted_ this.

phil leaned against the door to the small cubical and closed his eyes. his thoughts dispersed, his heartbeat that was previously racing had started to fall, and his breathing became scarce.

"phil!" a voice eerily similar to dan's cut through phil's mind, yet he didn't have the strength in him to stand up. all he had to do was fall asleep, just take a short nap until his energy was back.

the moon was reaching for the sun. the sun had stopped shining. and now the moon was nothing.


	8. o7.

dan was many things, and many people to phil. he hated the older male so much, but he didn't want to be alone. he didn't want to lose the only person who was still there for him, even if dan couldn't help but burst out.

_dan didn't want to be alone._

phil had no recollection of what happened. he didn't remember taking pills like they were candy, he didn't remember the thoughts. he didn't remember dan completely breaking down when he saw his "best friend" unconscious, a bit of blood trailing down from the corner of his mouth and beads of sweat breaking out on his forehead.

he didn't remember the warmth of dan's hands or the tender kisses that were placed on his cheeks, his nose, his forehead. the way that dan wrapped his hands around the pale boy's body and held his head against dan's beating chest.

he didn't remember the hallucinations, the feeling of dan's lips trailing down his neck and leaving little love bites, the pain of dan's nails digging into his skin, the warm engulf of his mother, the sound of voices calling him the names he only heard in his childhood.

he didn't remember the nausea. the number of times he vomited while fully conscious. the bile that rose in his throat and spilled out of his lips chapped due to dehydration. all of the pills he swallowed leaving his body in the most unpleasant way.

he didn't remember the tremors. his legs violently shaking without a way of controlling it. his hands that couldn't hold anything, not bottles of water, not dan's cold fingers.

he didn't remember the amount of "i love yous" that spilled from dan's lying lips, he didn't remember the tears streaming down from dan's brown eyes, he didn't remember the warmth of his touch, the calming of his words, the feeling of another human _being_ there for him.

but now, as they sat in silence, phil clutching a water bottle between his pale, shaking hands, and staring out the rain-streaked window, and dan driving, sighing and listening to slow jazz music, phil couldn't even begin to imagine what happened. he was confused, mostly. he didn't know why he was in the hospital, and when he asked, dan just didn't answer or avoided the question.

tears streamed from phil's empty, half-opened, dimmed blue eyes. he felt like a ghost, he felt as if he was looking at the world through a screen door and was unable to communicate with humans. he felt dead, but at the same time, he had never felt more alive.

he was aware of the ache in his stomach and the pain in his head, he was aware of his pounding heart and the tears that stained his pale cheeks, he was aware of dan's existence and his bitter silence.

phil tore his gaze away from the window and wiped his cheeks with the palms of his hands. "dan?" he asked, glancing up at the male who was driving with a cold expression on his boyish face.

"what." dan asked softly, yet firmly. phil tensed up and clasped his hands together in his lap. a small sigh escaped from his pursed lips. he glanced from his white knuckles to up at dan and back again.

phil held his breath. "what happened?" he dared to utter, his voice high and pitch squeaky, the tears that had left his eyes returning again, and his right leg bouncing up and down nervously.

"stop that." dan ordered, noting how the small car had begun to shake due to phil's movement. the older male's question was avoided yet again. phil slumped in his seat in defeat.

the two sat in silence for a few more minutes. dan cranked up the volume to the old car radio and phil picked at the strands hanging loosely from his shirt.

"you scared me, that's what happened." dan whispered. phil could barely hear him, his head was rather close to the car speaker. phil sent his blue eyes up at dan. "stop looking at me like _that."_

phil's eyebrows furrowed and he glanced away from dan. "like what?" he asked, fighting the urge to stare at the younger male again.

"i don't know just stop looking at me." dan barked. the music was turned up again and phil's thoughts were drowned out.

phil chewed on the bottom of his lip until blood ran into his mouth and down his chin. he wiped it away with the back of his hand and resisted every urge in his body to look back up at the brown-haired male. it would be best not to anger him, especially since he already seemed pissy.

"you're going to therapy three times a week now." dan told phil, not taking his eyes off of the road, even though they were at a stoplight.

phil quickly stole a glance at dan and then flicked his gaze back out the window. "why?" he questioned, regretting the words as soon as they came from his mouth. dan huffed heavily in annoyance.

"jesus fūcking christ. do you have to ask so many questions? do you ever shut up?" dan growled, slamming his foot down on the gas the second the light switched to green. phil jolted forward and swallowed the lump that had grown in his throat. dan exhaled sharply. "sorry. i didn't mean to burst out at you." dan muttered after a beat, finally glancing over at phil apologetically.

phil's breath caught in his throat. dan looked at him, with his face appearing boyish, his lips slightly turned upward, nothing but an apology in his deep brown eyes. he froze. he blinked twice, coughed into his arm, and uttered a quick "it's okay."

he watched the landscape fly past their window. it made no sense to phil, no sense at all. why now, out of all times, was dan starting to apologize? it was strange and weird and foreign and phil was nothing but confused.

dan had been nothing but rude and verbally abusive to phil for years, rarely ever apologizing for any rudeness that came from his mouth. so why now, during the most stressful time of their year, was dan apologizing? and being _sincere_ , nonetheless.

phil smiled softly to himself. it was a high hope, but maybe his dan would finally come back to him.


	9. o8.

"you're sure you don't remember anything?" dan asked for possibly the hundredth time. phil sighed, wiped his eyes that had clouded over, and shook his head. dan breathed out and smiled. "good, great." a light blush filled his usual pale, emotionless face.

phil tilted his head and looked up at the younger male. "why do you keep asking?" he muttered, then stared down at his newly prescribed medication and into a cup of tea. dan picked a stray strand off of the end of his black shirt.

dan shrugged and ignored the question, raising his cup of tea to meet his lips that were bitten raw. phil repeated the question with more force this time and looked up at dan expectingly. "i don't know... there are things that happened that i hoped you would forget. things that i wish never happened." dan tried to remain as ambiguous as possible.

phil's dimmed, completely empty blue eyes met dan's equally darkened ones. the two stared at each other for a moment, each of their hearts beating incredibly fast. dan broke the eye contact and swallowed hard. phil blinked multiple times and leaned his hand against the table in an attempt to hide the growing blush on his face.

phil shook his head back and forth slowly. "what things?" he asked, staring up at the curly-haired boy. dan froze and gave phil a deer-in-headlights look.

"you don't shut up ever, do you?" dan asked and rolled his eyes. phil ducked his head in shame and ran his finger along the rim of his teacup. he shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. "no things, none of your business."

phil sent a glare up at dan. "i'm pretty sure it is my business if it involves me." phil pushed, taking a long sip of his tea and setting the delicate china back on the table.

dan puffed out his cheeks. "hm."

the raven-haired, rose-coloured boy glanced up at the curly-haired, blue boy. dan's face fell as memories from when phil attempted suicide flooded his usually empty, useless brain. the overdose, the kisses, the feeling of phil's skin underneath his fingers that hadn't touched another man for so long.

dan was utterly, hopelessly, and desperately in love with phil. he always had been. now, all he could focus on was foggy thoughts of phil's vanilla-tasting lips and purple and red love marks that were dotted all across phil's ghostly neck. he thought of the time when phil was so drunk that he wanted nothing but to have sex with dan. and they did, but the older male had no recollection of the memory.

dan was not old enough to drink at the time; however, when phil offered, dan didn't deny him, and became slightly tipsy from a few shots of fireball. the dark-haired man, however, chugged a few beers and didn't stop drinking. he was just so happy and having alcohol intensified phil's emotions.

sure, phil noticed the hickeys the next day, but never really _asked_ about them, just made a sarcastic joke about not being able to handle his alcohol.

"what goes on in your head, dan? what are you thinking about?" phil whispered, his face daringly close to dan's. dan snapped out of his dreamy state. he blushed madly and scooted his chair over a few inches so that their lips weren't _too_ close together. it was too tempting for dan.

dan shook his head and chewed on his bottom lip. the metallic taste of blood met his tongue. he wiped his mouth and rubbed the blood on the back of his hand away with the other. "you." he mouthed without sound. phil's eyes widened and the space between them became close to nothing. "i mean, nothing. stop asking questions, god fūcking dammit. you're annoying the hell out of me." dan recovered quickly.

phil rubbed his eyes, thinking to himself that he pictured whatever dan had just mouthed to him. if dan _was_ really thinking of him, it wouldn't be anything positive; however, that didn't stop phil's heart from creating hopeless wishes.

"b-but..." he stuttered. dan chuckled nervously and finished his cup of tea. he set it delicately down in the sink and then took a seat across from phil at the table. he was completely unable to make eye contact but smiled as politely as he could.

dan motioned down to the pills that phil hadn't taken yet. antidepressants, supplements, vitamins, etcetera. "take those." dan ordered and waited a second. phil didn't move, just stared blankly into his almost-empty cup of tea. "now."

phil swallowed down his newly-prescribed medication with the last of his tea and wiped his mouth. "happy?" he asked, slumping in his seat and leaning his head on his arm.

dan's bottom lip fell in between his top and bottom teeth. he nodded. "yeah, actually, now i am." he grumbled halfheartedly. the corners of phil's lips twitched. dan sighed and walked into his room.

he came back into the kitchen pack of cigarettes and a lighter in his hand. "dan, _no._ " phil demanded, standing up and ripping the items out of dan's hands

if looks could kill, the one on dan's face most certainly would. "dan _yes._ " he responded, taking his things back with incredible force. "i need this, phil. you have no idea how badly i need this."

"they're going to kill you!" phil protested, attempting to take the items back, but dan hid them behind his back. "i-um...the viewers need you alive, daniel. you can't die."

"says _you._ " he spat. he was met with a clueless look on phil's face. he breathed out slowly. "one pack of cigarettes never killed anyone." dan mumbled under his breath, sticking a cancer stick between his lips and igniting the tip.

phil pushed him onto the balcony. "nuh-uh. you do this _outside_."

"i'll do your mum outside." dan said louder than he intended to. phil paused for a second before giggling like a little school girl.

"oh my fūcking god."


	10. o9.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: MENTION OF SUCIDE

**TW: MENTION OF SUICIDE**

"what are we going to do?" phil asked, sitting down on a barstool next to dan, who had already been at the place for over an hour. dan glanced at phil, breathing his fireball-tinted breath into phil's face, and rolling his eyes. phil wrinkled his nose at the scent and glanced forward instead of directly at dan.

dan shoved a cigarette between his teeth and searched his pockets for a lighter. he lit the tip and breathed in before responding, "i don't know, why don't _you_ figure it out?" dan slurred, only taking the cigarette out of his mouth to swallow another shot of fireball.

phil cowered and traced the rim of his wine glass with his finger. "i don't even know what happened." he muttered, staring down into the deep red liquid. he took a small sip, tainting the top of his bottom lip slightly pink due to the wine.

dan snorted and exhaled a breath of smoke. "you think you'd remember your own fucking suicide." dan pointed out cruelty, sneering and calling the bartender over for a few shots of tequila.

phil's breath caught in his throat. "i...what?" he asked, dropping the glass of wine he was holding and shattering it into a million pieces on the floor.

dan raised an eyebrow at the older male. he balanced on the very edge of his barstool and shoved his face close to phil's. the smoke and alcohol on dan's tongue caused phil to go into a coughing fit. he tried to pull away, but dan's hand that was wrapped tightly around phil's wrist held him in place. "you heard me. you tried to kill yourself. scared the living shit out of me. caused me to catch some fucking feelings for you again, as batshit crazy as that is." dan mumbled, taking another breath of his cigarette and choking on the smoke.

a blush filled phil's cheeks. it took him a second to register what dan had said. "wh-what?" he breathed, puffing out his cheeks and finally pulling himself away from dan.

he had to remember that dan was drunk, that he didn't know what he was saying. he had too many shots and his words were slurred, however; the pounding in their hearts was something that even alcohol couldn't replicate. they stared at each other for a second, their eyes dilated and blush filling their cheeks.

phil broke the eye contact and glanced away. dan stared forward, a look plastered on his face that phil couldn't read.

now phil understood why dan had a nice streak in him and why he had to go to therapy. it made sense, but phil couldn't imagine attempting suicide again, not even when dan was an utter asshole to him.

he stared at the spilled wine on the ground and leaned his head on his arm that was resting on the bar counter in front of them and then cut the palm of his hand left hand on little shards of glass. "shit." he hissed, covering the wound by clasping his hands together.

he turned his attention back towards dan, who had just finished off another shot and was struggling to sit up straight. "i love you, phil lester, always have." dan grumbled, finishing off his cigarette and grabbing another glass of tequila in his hands, "never stopped. i just hate myself so much, phil. i can't even imagine you, with your... _phil-ness_ , ever gaining feelings for me again."

phil ran a hand down his face. this was all too much for him. dan had just uttered the words that the older male had been dreaming about for _years._ it didn't matter that dan was drunk, he had ignited feelings in phil that he had pushed down for years. the more phil thought about it, the harder it was for him to tell the difference between the longings, wants, and _needs_ that he had for dan.

not to mention he had attempted to kill himself days ago, information that he was just now receiving. as he considered the thought, he slightly remembered taking the first few pills, but everything after that was a blur.

phil ran his hands through his hair and squeezed his eyes shut. "no no no no _no._ " phil mumbled, wrapping his fingers around one of dan's shots and swallowing it down hard. the liquid burned his throat and brought tears to his eyes. he hated it, but ignored the burning sensation in his chest.

dan ignited another cigarette, sniggering lightly at phil's intolerance to liquor. phil cleared his throat and then glared up at dan. "y-you're drunk. you don't know what you're saying. you hate me dan..." phil inhaled sharply, tears clouding his vision and his voice dropping an octave and turning into a horse squeak, "you _fucking_ _hate me_ , daniel howell."

dan cupped phil's cheeks. "goddammit, phil. i don't. i _fucking love you_ , phil lester." dan yelled. his brown eyes scanned all of phil's face, starting with his glistening, dilated, lust-filled blue eyes, trailing down to his nose and then his lips. dan's eyes stayed glued to phil's mouth for a while, and before phil knew it, he was getting kissed.

dan had kissed phil.

phil screeched against dan's tongue and struggled to push the younger male away from him. phil wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and bit his bottom lip. the taste of fireball and cigarette smoke lingered on his tastebuds.

dan raised an eyebrow up at phil, who had begun hyperventilating. phil had wanted this for _months._ no, no, _years._ he had been waiting for a kiss from dan, just waiting for him to catch feelings, waiting for dan to fall in love with someone besides himself.

but now, as he looked at the male with chocolate eyes more beautiful than life itself and brown hair that fell like waves of the ocean cascading down his face, he couldn't help but feel that he didn't want this at all.

he didn't want anything to do with dan.


	11. 1o.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE

**TW: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE**

phil wandered around their flat in a foggy haze, almost tripping over multiple miscellaneous objects throw about their living room and kitchen, falling into a wave of depersonalization.

he didn't intend to get caught up in another one of his mental illnesses, but his head refused to cooperate and the only thoughts that broke through his fog-filled head were those of dan kissing him.

he was still struggling to process that, as he couldn't believe it, and he didn't _want_ to believe it. it was something he had wanted for as long as he could remember, but with the taste of smoke and strong alcohol at the back of his throat, he didn't want it like _this._

he wanted it when dan was sober, in his right mind, and had the ability to kiss phil's worries away with his chapped, cinnamon-tasting lips and the smell of spearmint and cheap cologne clinging to his skin.

phil sat down at the counter, staring into a cold cup of tea, playing with the string of the teabag, and humming a song he forgot the title of to himself.

dan walked silently out of his room, catching a glimpse of phil. he thought it was illegal that phil is allowed to wear a sweater like that— it was pastel blue, the sleeves were pulled all the way to the tips of his fingers, and hung far off of his left shoulder, exposing his soft, pale back.

the older male sang toxic softly to himself, causing dan to snigger slightly, despite his pounding head. he didn't remember anything about last night, nor did he want to. he was just surprised that he woke up in his own bed, not in that of another male's.

as much as he hated to admit it, dan slept with males more than females, and only males when it was at their house. phil wasn't aware of that, and dan didn't want to make him aware, especially since he noticed a pattern of sleeping mates, all pale-skinned, blue-eyed, dark-haired boys.

dan made his way over to the table phil was sitting at. the raven-haired male hadn't moved much, only tapped his fingers against the cup of tea engulfed in his pale palms.

dan studied the male, who still hadn't acknowledged his existence, then buried his pounding head in the crook of his arm.

phil must have suddenly become aware again because he shuffled next to the younger male and took a sip of his tea turned cold.

"are we going to talk about it?" phil whispered, pushing his cup away and scowling at the temperature his tea was at. dan glanced up at phil, squinting his eyes due to the brightness of the room, and cocked his head as a dog would.

dan sighed heavily and plunged his head back down onto the table. he let out a groan of pain. "talk about what?" he muttered, opening and shutting his eyes repeatedly.

phil went silent and tapped the pads of his fingers against the cool granite of the counter. he grumbled a quick "never mind" and went back to staring ahead, a blank expression on his face, his eyes scanning for something more interesting than the technicolor world placed in front of him.

dan raised his head slowly and squinted his eyes at phil. "are you talking about your suicide?" dan paused and let out a huff of air, "because that's your problem, not mine. but we're going to get you help. not we're, i mean a therapist is." he rambled, waving his free hand in the air and placing his forehead against the cool granite counter.

phil looked down at his fingers engulfed in his sweater and picked at the strings hanging off of the ends. tears clouded his vision and he blinked furiously in attempts to clear them. "y-you don't care about me attempting suicide?" phil shouted, his voice quivering.

dan winced at the sudden loudness and covered his ears. "oh my god, could you be any fucking louder? some of us are hungover!" dan growled in response.

phil scowled and got up out of his seat. he threw his teacup into the sink, smashing it into a thousand pieces. "do i even fūcking care? no! dan get your head out of your äss! you don't see that there's an actual problem with me. something is _wrong_ with me, dan!" he shouted, his hands and legs shaking and tears spilling over the rim of his empty, soulless, blue eyes.

dan went silent and played with the sleeves of his shirt. he started to pull the sleeve up, revealing an assortment of scars placed around his wrist and continuing to snake up his arm. "some of us have problems too, phil. don't think you're some special fucking little snowflake." dan grumbled, getting up out of his seat quickly and rolling his sleeves back down.

phil stared at dan, awe-struck and eyebrows furrowed. he swallowed hard. dan took a cigarette and lighter from out of the back of his pocket and shoved the stick in between his top and bottom lip. phil's eyes met dan's. "h-how long?" he stuttered, walking over to dan with his palms facing the younger male as if dan could lash out at him at any given moment.

a puff of smoke escaped dan's lips as he exhaled heavily. "maybe...three years? since my depression got really bad." he muttered, averting his eyes away from phil.

phil grabbed dan's arm, pulled up the sleeve of his shirt, and ran his fingers over dan's scars, some pale and white, others red and some recently scabbed over, a few covered with band-aids. "you need help too, dan." phil said, dropping dan's wrist from his grasp.

dan looked at him, wide-eyed and fear etched onto his face. "no, no. it doesn't work like that. it won't help." he grumbled frantically, his eyes darting around the room to avoid eye contact with phil.

"dan, listen to me. i care about you, maybe not in the way of a friend or in a romantic way, but as one human being to another. this will help." phil looked up at dan with so much hope playing onto his fair skin that dan couldn't help but bob his head up and down. "okay?"

"okay."


	12. 11.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: MENTION OF SUICIDE

**TW: MENTION OF SUICIDE**

phil dragged his hand down his face and sighed out heavily. his eyes were bloodshot and still stung from salty tears. purple and green defined bags hung underneath them.

dan looked up from his seat in the kitchen, resisting an eye roll as the older male waltzed into the van. "how was it?" he asked politely before turning his eyes back down to the book that was spread across his lap.

phil shrugged and collapsed onto the seat opposite to dan. "it was fine. she was nice, i guess, but it's not like i'll ever see her again," he grumbled. dan shut his book and sat up straight, then leaned forward in his seat so he could see phil a bit better.

phil shook his head back and forth and rubbed his tired eyes. "i mean, for the three days we stayed in london i was either sleeping or spending my time in a therapist's office. and now since we're bouncing around the states i'll just meet with random people i'll never see again who will do no help and it's so overwhelming, dan," phil rambled, his voice becoming hoarse as he talked, "i just want some consistency."

"i get that," dan nodded, his features softening. he reached for phil's hand and held it within his own.

phil's cheeks turned pink, he glanced down at the kitchen table, "you do?"

dan pulls his arm away quickly. "no! i would have no idea what it's like to since i didn't try to off myself the first few weeks of tour," he said flatly, sitting back in his seat and staring out the window instead of looking at phil.

"you're an ass, daniel." phil huffed, though his cheeks stung at the thought of dan's warm hand in his. the younger male clicked his teeth and shot phil finger guns. "unbelievable," the raven-haired boy scoffed, then turned to get out of his seat.

"wait-" dan called, causing phil to twist around quickly. the older male raised an eyebrow, "have you taken your meds?"

phil groaned loudly, then spun in a circle a couple of times until he fell to the floor. "no," he whined in response, while dan went to fetch them for him.

the sun was setting quietly over the cityscape, causing pink and purple hues to dance across the kitchen. dan's curls hung loosely from his forehead as he focused on warming a cup of water.

without even thinking about it, phil turned on the radio, shuffling through the stations until he found something enjoyable.

the soft sound of dan's singing echoed across the room, and his shadow danced along with him. phil smiled as he stared at the younger boy, and then couldn't help but think of their kiss as he watched his lips.

"dan?" phil called after thinking for a second, to which dan hummed in response, "do you...love me?"

the sound of the brown-haired boy's singing drowns out. he stops in his place, and then carefully sets the teapot over the stove. his eyebrows furrow, yet his eyes narrow as he stares up at phil. "how could i love a nobody like you?" he growls, yet phil knows better. he knows that dan doesn't mean it. "you're just one big faker, phil. you act so nice and happy but really you're just a big nobody."

this time, he doesn't just take it. he doesn't cry, he doesn't sit quietly while dan rains insults down to him. he stands his ground. "you know what, dan?" he dares, sending a glare in the direction of the younger male.

dan remains quiet, staring at the older male, waiting for him to respond. he cocks an eyebrow, surprised that phil is even testing him.

"you're just one big faker, dan," he continues, slamming his hand down onto the kitchen counter, causing dan to jump, "you act so rude and horrible, but really you're just in love with me."

dan opens his mouth to protest, but phil quickly cuts him off, "don't try to tell me otherwise. you told me yourself, and of course you don't fucking remember it," the older male puffs out his cheeks, "you pretend like you don't remember anything."

"so you know," dan responds. his voice quivering and falling just above a whisper. he checks the water in the kettle and then places a teabag into a china teacup. he finishes making phil's tea and places it in front of him. the raven-haired male stares up at him, "are you expecting a fucking kiss or something?"

phil's head shakes violently back and forth. "why were you so mean to me for so long?" he asks, mostly to himself.

"because i'm just a big faker, phil."


	13. 12.

they sat on the bus in silence as they travelled to their next show. dan took occasional glances at phil, who looked absolutely dashing in his blue flannel, but quickly glanced away.

phil fiddled with his hands, checking his phone often as if he's expecting a text from someone, but ended up finding nothing.

"we should talk about it," dan announced, staring down at his lace fingertips resting in his lap.

phil clicked his tongue. "talk about what?" he acted oblivious and tried to ignore the subject all together.

"the whole...thing?" dan tried again, shrugging. phil glared up at him, pursing his lips in thought, and then looked away.

he sighed. "there's nothing to talk about. you love me and i don't feel the same," phil lied, though he hoped the blush on his face doesn't give it away.

dan chuckled softly to himself. "come on, lester, i know you feel the same," the younger male teased, watching a flame erupt in phil's cheeks.

phil shook his head violently. "i definitely don't, you're crazy, delirious" he fibbed again, rolling his eyes at the brunette.

"okayy," dan mumbles in a sing-song voice, admiring how phil fumbled over his words as he spoke.

the tour bus screeched to a sudden stop, causing dan to fall over onto phil. the older male quickly pushed him away.

they made their way out of the bus to their next tour location. they're quickly shoved into dressing rooms, where stage makeup is coated onto their faces.

"ready to talk now?" dan called from a few seats away as one of the makeup artists brushed heavy blush onto his cheeks.

phil resisted the urge to roll his eyes again. light mascara is coated onto his eyelashes. "you wish," he spat in response, focusing on his reflection in his mirror.

the stage lights hurt dan's eyes. he moved around like a puppet, with strings controlling his every move. each action wasn't his, each movement was someone else's. the stage show was just a play, an act, just like him and phil.

they were only acting.

often times during the show, their eyes would meet, and phil would cock an eyebrow. the younger boy couldn't keep his gaze off of him, and each time phil so much as breathed, it would cause him to blush.

dan _hated_ that he knew, _hated_ that phil understood his emotions, and after eleven years, he _pretended_ like it wasn't there.

the two of them were like a summer evening, the colors of the sky colliding to create nothing less than a masterpiece. they were perfect for each other, yet phil refused to admit that he felt the same.

he had to feel the same, right?

they said their goodbyes to the crowd before rushing behind stage. dan was sweating, overheated, and downed a couple bottles of water.

"i saw you staring at me," phil muttered, almost amused, lightly touching the top of dan's hand.

the brunette's face heated up. "i'm sorry," he nearly stuttered, scratching the back of his neck nervously.

phil offered him a soft smile before quickly pulling his hand away.

they didn't talk throughout the meet and greet. hardly even acknowledged each other as they signed tickets, pride flags, and merch.

though every once in a while, they would pose with a phan, and their hands would brush together, creating sparks to dance between them. each touch left dan red-faced with a loss of breath.

one phan gravitated specifically towards dan, and claimed that she only wanted a picture with him. phil stepped to the side, used to this kind of behavior. after all, dan didhave _two million more_ subscribers than the older male.

"so what's going on with you two?" then the young girl asked, wide-eyed as she stared up at dan.

his cheeks burned. he shrugged nonchalantly, "we're best friends, there's nothing more to it." he lied through his teeth easily, as he'd done a thousand times.

"yeah but...are you guys like, together?" she pried, eyebrow raised.

the tall boy was used to these kinds of questions and he sighed heavily. "we're best friends," he said in a louder tone, his eyes narrowing.

"really? because it seems like-" she started, causing dan's blood to boil.

"we're just friends. didn't your mum teach you to mind your own business?" dan snapped, allowing his anger to get the best of him, even if it was just for a second.

the girl's expression dropped. "my mum's dead," she deadpanned, then quickly walked away, never even getting the photo she waited in line for.

dan sat down in one of the chairs nearby, suddenly feeling queasy. he was so insensitive, how could he have said something like that?

phil glanced over at dan, and offered him a hand. "you okay?" he asked, brows furrowed with concern.

"i made a mistake, but it's fine, i'm fine," he grumbled, quickly getting up out of his seat to greet another phan.

just like meeting phil was a mistake.


	14. 13.

later that evening, they attended louise's birthday party.

dan has already had too much to drink, phil could tell just by looking at him. his eyes were empty and lifeless, but his smile was so wide it filled his entire face. he was laughing over something that tom said to him, and very loudly.

phil made his way over to the brunette, then snatched the glass of champagne from the brunette. "you need water," he ordered. he dumped the alcohol into the sink, earning a scowl from dan.

"you're no fun," he whined, his words slurring slightly as he did so.

phil rolled his eyes. "i know, but at least i take good care of you," he responds quickly, offering a soft smile. he hands a bottle of water to dan, and then leaves the room to find louise.

louise was always closer to dan, not so much phil, but he wanted to talk to her about a couple of things.

he found her leaning against the side of a doorway, the corners of her lips curved, staring at tom and dan converse.

"he looks happy," louise said wistfully, then turned to glance over at phil, "don't you think?"

he swallowed hard, though he couldn't help but smile softly as he watched the curly-haired boy laugh, grin, and mess around with tom.

phil stared at his shoes. "he does," he responded, almost sadly.

"it's because of you, you know," louise looked up at him with a sparkle in her eyes. she rested her head on phil's shoulder, their gazes focused on the brunette.

phil almost laughed out loud. he squinted down at her, confused. "no it's not," he chuckled, shaking his head back and forth.

louise cocked an eyebrow, "dude, he's been in love with you forever. now that he's finally told you, he's so much happier," she deadpanned. phil stayed quiet as he pursed his lips together. she stared him down, "you feel the same, don't you?"

phil felt pressured under louise's glare. he shuffled uncomfortably. "i-" he started, sucking in a big breath of air, "i guess so."

"you guess so?" she scoffed, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms over her chest.

the tall male glanced over at dan, who was giggling furiously, and was pretending to dance with tom. the curly-haired boy caught phil staring at him, and waved at him excitedly.

phil sighed heavily, "no, i love him more than words can explain, no matter how often he treats me like shit, no matter how many times he comes home with someone else. i love him despite all the cruel things he's said to me, because he's my person. i love him," he unloaded, his cheeks flushing as he spoke.

louise nudged him in the side, "so tell him!" she ordered in a booming tone, causing him to jump slightly.

phil made his way over to the brunette, who instantly wrapped him into a hug. "philly!" he squealed, squishing their faces together.

the older male pushed him away, surprised. his cheeks were burning. "you're drunk, dan," he reminds the younger male quickly, whose wide smile falls.

"so?" he drew out the vowel as he whined.

phil's face turned pink, "so i'm going to tell you something you won't remember," he rambled, trying to draw out his confession, "listen, dan, i've loved you for as long as i've known you, you're my person. it's you, it's always been you."

dan blinked a couple of times, then chuckled to himself. "i love you too," he whispered, as if the very confession could cause an explosion to occur between them, "wanna get out of here?"

phil shook his head, "it's your best friend's birthday, we can't," he protested, but dan was already breathing down phil's neck, causing goosebumps to appear up and down his arms.

"she'll be fine," he grumbled, linking their hands together.

phil began to protest, but dan was already making his way to the car. he hopped into the passenger seat and tossed the keys to the other male.

he started up the car, and before he could drive away, dan pressed his lips onto phil's. 

the older male pushed him away. "dan, you're drunk," he reminded him, but he quickly continued their kiss.

"i don't see you complaining," dan retorted when they broke apart to gasp for air.

phil let his eyes close, he let himself fall into dan. they shuffled around, trying to get closer. "we're too tall for this," phil laughed, pulling away with a red face.

"then let's go home," dan wiggled his eyebrows, causing phil to snicker.

_∘₊✧──────✧₊_

phil woke up around 7:45 in the morning, his arm wrapped tightly around dan. he squinted against the rising sun peaking through the window shades.

he sighed heavily, gathering his clothes from off of the floor while dan snored softly. he glanced over at the brunette. the sun cast pink and orange hues onto his pale skin and freckles. his curls rested softly on his forehead. phil brushed a stray strand of hair behind dan's ear before exiting the room quietly.

he started to boil water. he stared out the window towards the city skyline, coming to life as the sun rose into the sky. birds fluttered outside, their slight chirping filling the kitchen. the feathered creatures splashed around in the birdbath, filled with rainwater from the night before.

his cheeks turned strawberry red as he remembered events from last night, the feeling of dan's skin, the gentleness of his kisses, his hair grasped tightly in phil's hands. he exhaled.

the teapot screamed, and he rushed over to pick it up, so the noise wouldn't wake up dan.

he poured the water over a teabag, the expensive kind, since the flavor still existed over the four sugar cubes he threw in.

he took a sip, slowly, and groaned to himself.

he was so in love with dan, but he wasn't made of water, and dan's fire would surely burn him.


	15. 14.

phil came back from therapy late. dan perked up at the sound of the door swinging open and glanced over the top of the couch at the older male. his eyes contained hues of red and pink. purple and green combined to appear as bruises underneath.

dan opened up the side of his blanket and pat the couch next to him, signaling for phil to sit next to him. he did, and practically melted into the brunette's arms. "how was it?" dan asked, rubbing his fingernails over phil's back.

his face fell, and vision became blurry. "i hate it. there are so many things i don't understand and don't remember. it's impossible for me to make any progress," he vented, waving his hands in the air as he spoke.

dan's lips turned downwards. "i understand," he mumbled, tugging on his sleeves so that they cover his wrists.

it was so strange, yesterday he would have never invited phil into his arms, yet today, it seemed so effortless. he furrowed his brows, "did anything happen last night?"

phil's pupils dilated. his face flushed a bright, strawberry red. instead of telling the truth, he shook his head quickly.

dan could tell he was lying, yet he didn't say a word. "alright," he hummed. he pulled phil closer to his chest, breathing in the scent of his lavender shampoo. goosebumps dotted his arms as their skin touched.

it took all of him not to mutter a quick _i love you, phil._ the words felt comforting as they sat on his tongue. his eyes widened and he shoved the older male off of him. quickly, without saying a word, dan rushed to his room and slammed the door behind him.

he turned on his camera, chewing on his nails as he processed the words in his head. "hello internet," he began, "spoiler alert, i'm not straight." the sentence escaped his mouth so quickly that he nearly choked, yet an overwhelming sense of pride filled his chest.

∘₊✧──────✧₊

they were fighting again. it seemed as if the one night stand and short cuddle session meant absolutely nothing to dan. he was incredibly irritable and hardly ever left his room. the first time phil went to check on him, he was screamed at and shoved out the door. it only got worse from there.

as phil sat on the couch with an ice pack in his eye, his phone chimed in his pocket. a notification from youtube reading:

**basically, i'm gay**   
_dan howell_

he ran to his room, his legs shaking with the anxiety of the fake relationship with him and dan revealing itself through dan's cruel words.

he watched the video multiple times, his earbuds starting to irritate his ears as he continued to press the play button. he listened to one part repeatedly, said in dan's emotional voice, "obviously we were more than friends, it was more than just romantic...we are real best friends, like companions through life, like _actual soulmates_."

he cried softly to himself. how badly he absolutely wished that was true, how badly he _longed_ for that connection with dan over the past ten years.

dan knocked on his door. phil sat up, quickly wiping his streaked face, and opened it quickly. "so you've seen it?" he asked, almost excitedly. his eyes lit up as he spoke.

phil merely nodded his head in response. the brunette wrapped him tightly into a hug, which phil sunk into completely. "why did you do that?" he questioned, his vision becoming cloudy.

dan paused for a second. he chewed on his bottom lip. "because i'm in love with you," he whispered, then planted a soft kiss on phil's forehead.

the older male pulled away quickly. he refused to fall in love with someone who treated him horribly, someone who abused him to the point he forgot how to be truly happy. "you're fucking pathetic, you know," phil growled.

dan cocked his head as a confused puppy would.

phil balled his hands into fists. "all of this fucking time, i was so in love with you, i was fully convinced that you were the fucking sun, with all the little fucking planets spinning around you," he continued, his face heating up, "but you're fucking nothing. nobody truly cares about you, nobody who knows you at least. except maybe your mum, but she's dead."

dan took a step backward. phil's arms were quivering and his knuckles turned white. "phil," he croaked.

"a stupid video isn't going to change how you've treated me. a stupid video doesn't make up for _ten fucking years,"_ the older male roared as he filled the space between them quickly, "i thought i loved you, but honestly i was just insane." he slammed the door in dan's face and locked it quickly.

"phil, wait," the brunette cried, sinking to the floor and resting his head against the white wood, "i was an absolute ass, i never meant to truly hurt you, i take back everything i said."

phil scoffed. "you made me attempt fucking suicide, dan. let that set it."

his words ignited a fire in dan's chest. he felt as if he was dying. he weakly banged his fist against the door. phil felt the light pound against his forehead.

"i didn't mean to," dan whimpered. phil sighed heavily. it only took him a few seconds to rush to the brunette, and he wrapped his arms around him tightly.

phil hated himself for holding on tightly to dan's body. he hated himself for going back to the younger male, time after time. "i know bear, i know," the nickname escaped off his tongue without any realization. he quickly pulled away, expecting for dan to slap him.

dan stayed quiet, pressed against the door, his face damp with his own tears. "i love you, lion," he whines.

phil retreated to dan, yet he didn't say those four words back.


	16. 15.

"i love you phil, i love you," dan repeated as phil holds tightly onto him.

the raven-haired male played with his curls, running his fingers through his scalp gently. "i know, i know," he responded, possibly for the tenth time.

"why won't you say it back?" the brunette sobbed, his shoulders trembling beneath phil's steady hands.

phil sighed heavily, taking his gaze away from dan and staring out the window. a low fog settled over london's horizon, and subtle raindrops pitter-pattered against the roof of their apartment. "because i don't know if i love you, i'm not going to lie to you," he deadpanned.

"is it because of how i treated you?" dan asked, locking eyes with the older male, his face filled with utter sorrow. phil nodded his head, exhaling slowly. "i'm so sorry, i didn't mean any of it, you mean everything to me. i can't live without you, phil," he begged.

"ten fucking years," he inhaled sharply before raising his voice, "ten fucking years! ten fucking years i let you treat me like shit. you abused me, both physically and mentally, and i'm just supposed to accept an apology? you're the reason i go to fucking therapy."

he shoved dan off of him, then crossed his arms around his chest. the younger male stared up at him, looking like a kicked puppy. he wiped his cheeks quickly. "i understand," he mumbled, glancing at the ground.

"don't play the victim now just because i've had it with you. you're a fucking cunt, dan. you have no right to be sitting here and sobbing," phil shouted, causing the male in front of him to shake violently.

and so the roles reversed, in just a single second. now it was phil, the one who was fed up with dan and his bullshit, instead of the other way around. now it was dan who was sobbing on the ground, clutching his hands tightly to his chest, breathing erratically.

phil stood up. "i hate you more than anything. i can't believe that i have stayed around for this long. i have taken years of abuse just to be with someone who i 'loved,'" he made quotation marks with his fingers, "i'm sick of it."

"please, lion. what can i do to make it up to you?" dan pleaded, standing up quickly and tugging phil's hand into his.

the older male grew quiet, his breathing steadying. dan's thumb rubbed the back of phil's hand. "just leave me alone, let me think about it," he sighed, unlinking their fingers.

∘₊✧──────✧₊

after giving dan the silent treatment for almost a week, phil emerged from his room with a soft smile on his face. "let's get a dog," he said. he sat down next to dan, and with gentle ease, he linked his fingers with dan's.

the brunette was quiet for a second, chewing away on his bottom lip in thought. "yes, let's get a dog," he agreed in a monotone voice.

"i thought you would be more excited." phil cocked an eyebrow.

dan sighed heavily. "i just wanna be yours," he grumbled, staring down at the table and playing with his fingers.

phil tugged forcefully on dan's chin, tilting his head upwards. they linked eyes, a bright blue colliding with a honey brown. it's phil who connected their lips, a feeling that is so familiar, but also so incredibly new. they pulled away from each other, gasping for air.

dan smiled, "let's get a dog."

∘₊✧──────✧₊

the process took forever. phil stopped to glance at every dog, cooing gently at each of them, and sticking his fingers through the cage to pet them

"one of them is going to bite you," dan warned, chuckling softly.

phil glared up at him. "look at all of them! they are all sweet babies," he whined. he brushed his finger over the top of a brown, curly-haired dog's nose. he bit phil's hand gently, "fuck!"

dan had to stop himself from laughing. phil looked up at him with glossy eyes, pouting ever-so-slightly. "i told you so," the brunette teased. they link hands.

"holy shit howell," phil nearly screamed as he noticed a cage with an orange and white spotted dog. his head tilted, along with one of his ears that stood up. the other flopped over.

dan rolled his eyes jokingly. "what now, lester?" he followed phil's finger towards the corgi, which almost seemed to be smiling at them. dan has to contain his excitement as he stared at the puppy.

they rushed toward him. one of the store owners came by and unlocks the door. the puppy immediately greeted them, his tongue sticking out of his mouth as he pranced over. he ran into phil's open arms, and immediately attacked him with kisses. dan rubbed the fur on his back as phil exploded into giggles.

"what should we name him?" phil glanced up at dan, grinning from ear-to-ear.

dan picked the corgi up and pulled him tightly to his chest. "what do you think?" phil opened his mouth to speak, but dan quickly interrupted him, "and don't you dare say susan."

"i kinda like kevin," phil responded. he looked at the dog closely. he leaned on dan's shoulder so he could get a better look at the tiny creature.

dan scoffed, "we are not naming a dog kevin." he looked over at phil with a glare, which caused the older male to burst into laughter. phil's lower lip popped out and he stared at dan with the same look that the corgi was giving him. "i think i like nuki."

phil's eyes widened. "like our dog from the sims?" he asked. their hands linked together, and dan nodded slightly.

they filled out the paperwork, a process that felt like an eternity. they walked the dog to the car, the little boy spotting a pink and blue striped collar, his tongue dangling out of his open jaw. the dog nearly tripped over his own stubby feet.

phil picked him up and sets him on his lap as dan drove. he nuzzled the dog and plants a gentle kiss on his nose. "hello nuki!" he cooed. he looked over at dan and pecked him quickly. "i love him, thank you for doing this with me."

later that night, they sat in front of the video camera together, holding up the tiny corgi. they laughed as if it was nothing, and secretly intertwined fingers beneath the lens of the camera. it felt so natural, and it reminded phil of a time when they were happy together, way back in 2009, when making videos was so incredibly easy.

the video came out.

**we got a dog!**   
_danandphilgames_


	17. 16.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: SLIGHT SMUT

**CW: SLIGHT SMUT**

_one month later_

dan fell asleep in phil's bed again. he propped his head upon his hand, staring down at the sleeping boy next to him. he ran his hands through phil's hair, twirling strands of hair around his fingers and brushing stray bits out of his face.

the rising sun cast shadows of orange and pink across their room and landed across the white sheets. phil's skin looked so pretty when it was engulfed in peach hues.

dan watched him with a raw wonder and tried to calm his heart that could beat right out of his chest. he sighed heavily and fell back into his pillow. he struggled to see the ceiling through the curls that fell in his face.

phil's room smelled much better than dan's, and the floor was swept clean. clothes were thrown in a hamper instead of covering the floor and a winter-scented candle danced with a flame.

phil stirred next to him then threw his arm around dan's chest. the very motion made his heart flutter. he glanced over at the tired boy, whose eyelashes fluttered over his cheeks delicately. he snored quietly.

dan pressed his lips gently against phil's forehead. his glasses were crooked on his face and his hair was in a tousled mess.

"good morning," phil finally said in a husky voice. he glanced up at dan crookedly before greeting him with a soft peck.

the corners of dan's mouth turned upwards. "hello, my love," he nearly whispered in response.

phil shuffled to get comfortable. his leg was resting over dan's chest and he tugged lightly on the collar of the other male's shirt with his fingers.

"what?" dan asked in a high voice. he squeezed one of phil's cheeks gently. the older male looked up at him, not saying a word. "oh."

dan slammed phil's back against the wall of the shower. his arms were wrapped tightly around his back, leaving scratch marks as phil's hands explored his body. phil's teeth tugged gently on dan's lower lip. the brunette had to resist letting out a little moan, knowing phil would scold him if he did.

"okay, my turn," phil growled. dan instinctively turned around. they continued until phil finished.

they stood underneath the warm water, phil running his fingers through dan's curls as he softly applied shampoo. "you need to start taking better care of yourself when i'm not here," he reminded him, obviously noticing how matted dan's hair was last night.

phil was away visiting his family for a few days, and within that time, dan had lost all control of his mental health.

"you smelled like cigarettes last night," phil pointed out in a serious tone.

dan's eyes fell to the floor. "i'm sorry, i don't know what to do when you're not with me," he responded quietly.

phil pressed his lips against dan's cheek. "it's okay," he sighed. dan knew he didn't mean it.

"i missed you," the younger male mumbled, his eyes meeting phil's.

the older boy chuckled. "i missed you too," he responded. they shared a quick kiss before turning the water off.

∘₊✧──────✧₊

dan is curled up next to phil on the couch. they were watching youtube on their tele and a fire crackled in the background.

"i love you so much," dan mumbled with his eyes half-closed, nearly falling asleep as phil massaged his scalp.

"i love you too, bear," phil said the nickname with caution, knowing the anger that was once released when he called dan that.

instead, the younger male smiled widely. "i like it when you call me that," he uttered and gave phil a tight squeeze.

"you didn't use to," the older male choked out, regretting the words as soon as they left his mouth. dan sat up, pain etched into every inch of his face.

his eyes glossed over. "i never meant to do any of that, lion, you know that," he told phil for possibly the hundredth time this week. yes, he deserved the constant reminder of how awful of a person he was, but it was becoming painful.

the raven-haired male simply lets out a long exhale, then pulled dan close to him. "i know, i love you so much. i'll stop bringing it up," he tried to calm down dan, whose eyes were darting around the room nervously.

"no, no, i deserve it," the brunette decided, nodding his head as he spoke.

phil set his hand on dan's face. "no bear, you don't. you're being self-destructive again," he insisted, pausing to peck his forehead, "i love you. i always have, i've loved you for eleven years. i swear to god, baby, i would marry you on the spot."

dan's cheeks grew warm. he nuzzled his nose into phil's neck before attacking it with his lips. "i love you. let's get married," he agreed.

"alright, so it's decided. i'll invite all of my family, and you'll invite adrian. we can dress nuki up in a tux and have him come with us," phil emphasized, his fingers suddenly becoming animated, "and besides, you're practically a lester. maybe you can take my name."

"dan lester," the younger male daydreamed. he threw the palms of his hands in the air to mimic the idea of lights. dan quickly sat up and turned around to face phil, "we need to make a video."

phil cocks an eyebrow. "a video?" he asked.

"they need to know."


	18. 17.

_present day_

the video camera clicks on with a satisfying _beep._ a green light lingers in dan's peripheral vision. he can't help but stare at phil.

they remain silent for a couple of moments, both thinking over what to say. it's dan who starts: "hello internet."

phil follows with his intro, "hey guys!" he exclaims with the same bubbly energy he's held since his first video, "we have some news to share with you!"

dan glances over at phil for approval and he earns a nod. he swallows down the lump in his throat. "we're together! well, we've been together. it should have been assumed by our coming out videos," he continues, "you fucking sporks were actually right." he jabs his finger towards the camera before bursting into laughter.

they link hands together. "i guess it's not surprising, is it?" phil faces dan, grinning from ear to ear.

"no phil, it isn't," dan responds in a mocking tone. he's smiling widely.

they chatter for a while over memories they've created from the past couple of months. they even hold nuki up to the camera for their viewers to see.

dan is, in fact, not faking it at all anymore.

they look over the footage later that night.

"it's perfect," phil whispers as they edit the video together.

dan chuckles. "well, of course we need to add clickbait."

**our biggest secret!**   
_danandphilgames_

"now it's perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi hi!! i hope you all enjoyed. i have been working on this on and off since 2018 and i decided to finish it this year (: leave a kudos or a comment if you liked my story! i love hearing from readers <3


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